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Buy Digital Album name your price Send as Gift. Burning Existence Indeed Painful Avoiding Black Mass Contact us at letters time. Camel Caravan. By Elizabeth Dias. Related Stories. Remember Benedict the Meek. Already a print subscriber? Go here to link your subscription. Holly: Half a mo. Cat: What has? Holly: The Earth! It's missing, it's not there!
It has gone! The entire Solar System is missing! Rimmer: Well Holly: Nothing! Just space! Rimmer: [stands up and walks over to Holly's screen] Holly, the thought occurs that we haven't actually reached Earth.
The further thought occurs that we haven't actually budged a smegging inch. No, we have. It's just I I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed up. Rimmer: What? Holly: Well, it's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger. Lister: So what's happened? Holly: Well, somehow, don't ask me how, we've jumped into Album) parallel universe, we've entered the fifth dimension.
Rimmer: What's the fifth dimension? Holly: You've got your basic dimensions, right: length, breadth, depth, and time. The fifth dimension is co-existing realities: two bodies who share the same space but are unaware of each other's existence. Rimmer: [bitterly] Sounds like my parents in bed. Hello, I'm Hilly. Holly: [smitten] Hello, I'm Holly. Hilly: [likewise] Hello, Holly.
Holly: Hello, Hilly. Hilly: Well, this is a turn-up, innit? You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out. Holly: Right on, sis. Hilly: See ya, Hol. Holly: See ya, Hil. Cat: [to the fourth wall after he finally emerges from his Heroic BSoD ] I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he wants to eat me.
Dog: [delighted] Well, trash my shorts, what a funny-lookin' dog! Cat: [still talking to the fourth wall] Better make myself look big. Put it right there! Cat: [grimaces and groans in disgust, wafting his hand over his nose] What kind of toothpaste does he use, rotting meat flavour!? Dog: Come on, now! I wanna be your buddy. Then you can smell mine!
Now, is that a deal? Cat: You wanna smell my what!? Dog: Why, sure! Don't you wanna smell me? Cat: Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars! Rimmer: Lister If she comes back, tell her I've Lister: Why, where's she gone?
Rimmer: She's gone to get some sexy videos. She seems to think that seeing two men together might turn me on. Rimmer: I'm not telling you, it's too risky.
Lister: Come on! What are you, a man or a munchkin? Rimmer: [singing falsetto] "I'm off to see the wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz! Arnold : You pieces of filth! How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge? Arlene : In my bunk? On my sheets? Using my springs? How could you even contemplate making Arnold : Well, why break the habit of a lifetime? Rimmer: Ooohhhh, Listy! Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! And as we are in their universe, you could very well possibly be up the duff, laddie!
Rimmer: What colour is it supposed to turn? Lister: Blue for not pregnant, which is the colour it's going to turn. Rimmer: And red for pregnant? Lister: Yes. Rimmer : Come on, you reds!!! Holly: Oi! I've just had a thought. Remember when we broke the light barrier and saw those echoes from the future?
Lister: Yeah. Holly: And we saw your future self with twin boys! Rimmer: [snaps his fingers] Right! And I said, "How is it possible to get two babies without a woman on board? Rimmer : It's changing colour! Rimmer : Yes, it is, it's changing colour! Rimmer : [as Cat bounces up and down and pumps his fists in triumph] Yes, it's changing colour! Rimmer : It's blue for not pregnant, right? Lister : YES! Rimmer : Oh, good news! Excellent news, Listie! Lister : Oh, thank god!
Rimmer : [standing up and grinning] I'm going to be an uncle! Series III. Backwards Since this series marks the first appearances of Hattie Hayridge as Holly and Robert Llewellyn as Kryten, as well as beginning after the cliffhanger of Lister getting impregnated by his female counterpart in "Parallel Universe", we open with a narrative scroll that parodies Star Wars and, at the very end, Star Trek.
For additional humour, the middle of the introduction scrolls past far too quickly to read without slowing down the video. Three million years in the future, Dave Lister, the last human being alive discovers he is pregnant after a liaison with his female self in a parallel universe.
His pregnancy concludes with the successful delivery of twin boys, Jim and Bexley. However, because the twins were conceived in a different universe, with different physical laws, they suffer highly accelerated growth rates, and are both eighteen years old within three days of being born.
In order to save them, Lister returns them to the universe of their origin, where they are reunited with their father a womanand are able to lead comparatively normal lives. Well, as normal as you can be if you've been born in a parallel universe and your father's a woman and your mother's a man and you're eighteen years three days after your birth.
Shortly afterwards, Kryten, Album) service mechanoid who had left the ship after being rescued from his own crashed vessel, the Nova 5, is found in pieces after his space bike crash lands onto an asteroid. Lister rebuilds the 'noid, but is unable to recapture his former personality.
Meanwhile, Holly, the increasingly erratic Red Dwarf computer, performs a head sex change operation on himself. He bases his new face on Hilly, a female computer with whom he'd once fallen madly in love. And now the saga continuums. Cat: Mmm? Lister: Y'ever see The Flintstones? Cat: Sure! Cat: Wilma Flintstone?
Lister: Maybe we've been alone in deep space too long, but every time I see that show, her body drives me crazy.
Is it me? Cat: I think, in all probability Wilma Flintstone is the most desireable woman who ever lived. Lister: [sighs in relief] That's good.
I thought I was goin' strange. Cat: She's incredible! Lister: What'cha think of Betty? Cat: Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty Why are we talkin' about goin' to bed with Wilma Flintstone!? Cat: You're right! We're nuts! This is an insane conversation! Clipboard and pen, please! Kryten: But sir, I'm just not ready! Six weeks - it's just not long enough!
Rimmer: [checks his watch] Rimmer: Look, if this comes off, it'll be a whole new lease of life for both of us. We'll be independent! But we've got to do it by the book. Rimmer: Name? Yes, sir! Rimmer: And can you read the registration for me, please. Kryten: "Starbug 1"? Rimmer: Right, if you'd like to show me to your vehicle, please. Rimmer: Right, in your own time, if you'd like to start the space vehicle, proceed through the cargo bay doors, and off into outer space.
Once there, I Album) you to bring the vehicle to a halt and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit, remembering of course at all times to pay due care and attention to any other space users. Right, in your own time! Kryten: I've failed, haven't I.
Rimmer: Just proceed. Kryten: You're going to hold it against me, aren't you! That one mistake! Rimmer: Please. Kryten: [we see an exterior view of Starbug as it slowly lifts off the cargo bay floor] Anti-grav The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2 - I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1!
Rimmer: [confused] They're exactly the same. Kryten: Yes Kryten: [to Holly] Uh, engage autopilot! Holly: Autopilot engaged. Rimmer: points to book of space road signs What's that one?
Holly: looking through windscreen A time hole! Rimmer: Don't help him! Kryten: also now looking through windscreen It's a time hole! Rimmer: No it isn't, it's nothing like a time hole! Kryten: It is!
It's a time hole! Rimmer: impatiently A time Album) is a phenomenon rarely seen in space, which legend would have us believe transports us into another part of space Camellot - Godless Truth - Burning Existence (CD time.
Rimmer's eyes widen and he slowly turns back to look at the time hole Starbug enters the time hole and emerges in the backwards Earth; we see a bird flying backwards, a rabbit moving backwards, and steam falling onto the surface of the lake into which Starbug has crashed; cut to inside, where fish are swimming backwards past the window as Rimmer taps his clipboard against his hand and shakes his head Kryten: I suppose you're going to fail me for this?
Rimmer: Holly? Is it possible? Could this be Earth? Holly: [on the round screen in Kryten's torso] Certainly seems that way. Constellations match, gravity exactly 1 g Rimmer: What's the time period? Holly: Well, it's difficult to pin it down exactly, but according to all the available data, I would estimate it's round about Rimmer: [rolls eyes] What period in historydingleberry breath!? I mean, can we expect to see Genghis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill?
Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug McClure? What is the year? Holly: Well, I'd need some more data before I could give you a precise answer.
Rimmer: Like? Holly: Well, this year's calendar'd be handy! The studio audience half laughs, half groans in anticipation as the customer proceeds to un-drink the tea, un-eat the eclair, and remove a spoonful of sugar from the tea] note The waitress and customer's lines are still gibberish when reversed. Customer: [backwards] The service here is terrible. Rimmer: [with another forced smile] Flobbadob blib blob bleeb! Kryten: [his voice muffled by the mask] Well, you said look inconspicuous!
Rimmer: Don't be idiotic! Kryten: [removing the mask] But if people see my face, what are they going to think? Rimmer: Tell them you had an accident! Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out! Kryten: I got a newspaper! Rimmer: What's the year? Kryten: No! It'sit's backwards! I'll switch to reverse mode. A masked man with a sawn-off shotgun sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard in a south London bank tomorrow.
The man, Michael Ellis, completed a year prison sentence for the crime two years ago. Kryten: Oh, it's an advert. Keeps you Rimmer: There's nothing we can do 'til the others find us. We'd better get a job. But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom?
Kryten: Here's the Jobs page. Excellent demotion prospects, right candidate could go straight to the bottom! Kryten: Er Rimmer: Anything else? Kryten: Ah, this looks interesting: "Theatrical agent requires novelty acts.
Kryten: Well, in this world, everything! Kryten: Take war. War is a wonderful thing here! In fifty years time, the second world war will start — backwards! Kryten: Millions of people will come to life. Rimmer: Crazy? Death, disease, famine — there's none of that here. Kryten: There's no crime! The first night we were here, a mugger jumped us and forced 50 pounds into my wallet at knifepoint!
Lister: Okay, okay! But look at the flipside of the coin. It's not all good. Take someone like, say Francis of Assisi. In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals! Or Santa Claus — what a bastard! Camellot - Godless Truth - Burning Existence (CD He's the big fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kid's favorite toys! I hate the lot of you! Bollocks to you! Pub patron: [backwards] You bloody bastards!
Rimmer: Where are you going, you coward? Where's the Cat? Lister: He won't be long, he's It takes a few seconds before he and Lister realise the implications of Cat's situation; they look at each other in horror] Lister: We've GOT to stop him! Holly: Abandon ship, this is not a drill. This is a drill. Holly: Abandon ship. Abandon ship! Lister: She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked. I was so excited I nearly dropped my skateboard. Rimmer: Skateboard?
How old were you? Lister: Twelve. Twelve years old? You lost your virginity when you were twelve? Rimmer: Twelve? You can't have been a full member of the golf club then. Rimmer : I hope you raked the sand back nicely when you were finished. That'd be a hell of a lie to get into, wouldn't it.
Competition the next day and your ball lands in Lister's buttock crevice Lister : You sayin' I've got a big bum? Rimmer : 'Big'? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens! Rimmer: Porky Roebuck threw them in the school septic tank behind the rugby pitches. I cried for weeks. I was wearing them. Rimmer: So that's it, then, is it? Toodle-pip, King Learfarewell, Macbethbye-bye, Hamlet.
Rimmer: embarrassed pause I've seen West Side Storythat's based on one of them. Not all the way through, no But I can quote some, though! Rimmer hunches over and adopts a strangled-sounding Shakespearean voice. Rimmer: "Now Rimmer: rolls eyes Richard IIIyou moron. That brilliant "Now" speech at the beginning. Rimmer: Kryten, get the hacksaw and follow me. Kryten: Where are we going? Rimmer: I don't understand it! Holograms don't produce heat, and neither do androids. What are they homing in on?
Kryten: Maybe if I hand you guys over, it'll let me go.
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